Monday, 26 January 2015

15-for-15 Challenge01 - Hey Woman!

Posted by Lola on Monday, January 26, 2015 in , | 13 comments

I was privileged to have a heart-2-heart conversation with my boss recently and in the flurry of it all, something struck me. She said, “As a woman it is of utmost importance you know who are. This is the guiding light to every decision you make because it is sure to help you also know what you want”. Those were not her exact words but the entirety of what she said. These are things we already know…maybe, but because we have not been able to frame them into action words, they don’t guide us.

The core of this post is the woman; her romantic relationships, her as a strong being and the selection of a spouse. However, let me also state that it is not to ward off male readers as there are great insights to decision making to be learned which can be applied to any area of one’s life. The decision making process which I am about to share is the same but sure application is different for individuals. You will agree with me that all decisions require due diligence and careful deliberation whether it is for the woman seeking spousal companionship or the man wanting to buy shares in big conglomerates or the young adult needing to decide which country/school to pursue a professional degree - everyone has to make certain major decisions at some point so this is for you too. It is as much for you my dear readers as it is for me (#lifetimelearner). Last year I started an intentional self-knowledge journey which for me has been the spur of revival of some sort. This piece isn’t about me, so let’s refocus…

I will be drawing a lot of knowledge from conversations I have had with people; a bit of my personal experience; books I have read particularly TD Jakes’ “Before you do”.

Some people are able to face situations headstrong, their senses and heart still intact while some just ram into it and end up losing either of both with regret trailing their shadows. To make any decision there are 3 key things you must understand:

1. Know who you are

2. Know what is important to you

3. Know how you want to exist and proceed in this world

All these is in clarity of the fact that your future is as strong as the decisions that precede it so it is important to have a clear understanding of who you are, not as the world defines you though. Fine there are certain strengths or weaknesses you may not have been able to identify that loved ones will point out to you - all these can help shape up your list but do not let the external general world do that definition for you, it is ultimately up to you. This journey is not one to end in few weeks mind you, considering we may never even get to know everything about ourselves, however, starting now gives you a good mileage. Know thyself. Understand what makes you tick. Know what interests you about life. Know the recreational activities you enjoy, values you would never trade, add all the other specifics and get on that discovery road. A dear friend would say, the journey is as important as the destination – the destination is the decision making point in this context while the journey itself is the self-discovery.

Now that you know yourself a bit, you are faced as a woman with marital decisions. Okay, so you are not at that point yet where suitors are falling at your sexy feet asking for your beautiful hand in marriage but you know it will happen sooner than later, what should you do?
These points will serve as a summary of what I learned reading TD Jakes’ book. He highlighted five crucial components every lady (and man, young adult etc.) must consider before stamping a decision. I call them the 5 Rs, (RESEARCH, ROADWORK, REWARDS, REVELATION & REARVIEW). 

Let's take a quickie look at them Rs

Research means you need to do some work; either mental or leg work, work must be done! I remember my Marketing facilitator always saying to us in class, "get your hands dirty". You need to collect information from reliable sources, collect data. A quick caution though, this should not propel you into digging dirty details on subject matter it just means you should ask the right questions and let whatever answer you get guide you. Truth is you can never know more than you are willing to ask and you will soon find out ample information gives ease to decision making.
Roadwork  involves removing all the obstacles that may hinder your information gathering process and actual understanding of what is at stake.
Rewards is when you list your choices and imagine the consequences that may fall through and this is largely dependent on preset information. Ensure this is done objectively as women tend to be swayed by emotions when weighing options so being completely fair may just be difficult especially if your heart is already in sync with one of your choices.
Revelation - narrow your selection and make your decision. REALITY CHECK------------>You know that when you make your decision, that's it? sefini? No going back? No room for regrets here so deliberately delay that thinking process so you are confident about your final decision. Let them call you names, refer to you as snail-paced or indecisive, proud, cold and all sorts, the ultimate goal is to prevent regrets. Know thyself! Understand what works for you. I like to think of myself as someone who is very meticulous, detailed and cautious so all these reflect in my daily activities and when I mess up, I am equally extremely hard on myself.  
Rearview - After all has been thought out and accepted, look back from time to time, adjust where necessary to stay on course.You will get new information along the way that will enhance your relationship; be open to such but closed to anything that may bring destruction.

Decision to enter a committed relationship should never be taken with levity, it is an important step because when all the mushy-mushy, gogo-gaga feelings wear off as they will always do, what will fuel that relationship? Mutual respect? His ability to cater to your financial needs?? Aging looks??? I don't know. You need to know who you are, who he is, his character, life goals, morals and spiritual beliefs, his idea of fun, emotional stability and the list is endless - you choose what matters to you.I could go on and on but wisdom says nip it here.
ACTION POINT----------->Remember the fact-gathering bit? Get to it now!

Writer's note - This is my first post in the "Woman- her body, soul and spirit" series. I hope you gleaned a thing or two. Feel free to share content with friends and be sure to acknowledge source ;-) I pray the light of God fills your heart and mind as it turns every darkness(uncertainty, confusion, wanderings etc.) into light - Psalm 18:28

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  1. Decisions!! I have read somewhere that if you don't make decisions you die. Passivity leads to death. Interesting. Your 5 R's sound like Cost of perfect information. Nice pice though. I guess my concern would be time factor involved. though you stated that one should take as much time as possible, the timing is important

    1. Gbam!!! Passivity leads to death, such person may be alive physically but is a walking dead! Hmmmm and the cost of perfect information? That's something new to learn, thanks for sharing your thoughts Kaykay.

  2. Thanks dear, just what i needed to hear this morning...the light of God fills my heart and mind and turns every darkness(uncertainty, confusion, wanderings etc.) in my life into light.

    1. Bear, warm, cuddly hugs Anon. I'm glad you find succor in these living words...

  3. Them Rs are the light to today's post
    well said

    1. Thank you ma'am, always a pleasure having you here.

  4. Ghen ghen! This is some gangster post oH! iLikey!! Mehn! I can't remember clearly ehn, but did a fine frosh geh (who owns MY Experia) called Lola ever and i mean EVER tell me she aint good at writing Prose?! **Winks Well I dont think so.. Cause this Bubba right here, this Lola that put up this post one is good at everything that involves writing... **Shines teeth.. So first off, this line hit me, and amma gonna steal it and take it with me **Tongue out: "your future is as strong as the decisions that precede it"" You know yeah Bubba, your wisdom confuses me and helps me see knowledge for what it truly is.. Its official, you will win the Grammy for writing one day.. #PastorJdBmode

    Lola ehm.. **Scratches head.. The "R" that hit me the most was "Revelation.." I for one am a rather Impulsive 23 years 2 months 17 days old human being, and i have made many and i say MANY! decisions based on Emotions and impulse, but i learnt from that "R" that we need to be properly analytical about whatever it is we intend to get into (be it career or Relationships) cause on the long run yeah Bubba, the mushy mushy and all the ghen ghen-ness will someday fade like paint ( no matter how long it takes) and then its the Friendship, fulfillment and level of bonding (physical, mental and Professional and emotional) that will stick.. A million likes for this post Bubba, this was some Top notch something.. Ooooossshhhey!

  5. You can fit psyche and give an innocent girl tingly feelings Duru! Hian! Thanks dear, you know you are part of my poetry------>prose transition.

    On the emotion-based decision thingy, we all have done that at some 'naive' point. We become more careful and intentional in the next steps we contemplate only when we've fallen prey severally or lost out on certain things. Being impulsive is not particularly a bad thing you know, it creates some level of excitement in what could turn out to be a veryyyyyyyyyyy boring life but one ought to be careful as well, not to be excessively uninhibited. Moderation is key my brother.

    As always Duru, thanks for making me smile. You are one gawd-dammed blessed, young & confused dude who never ceases to crack me up. You shall get award for the most consistent commenter...winks

  6. Hi...Can I steal and share some of these piece u got here with my group dear? It's insightful really...

    1. Hello Shola.

      Sure you can... spread the word, arm the world with good information. Thanks muchos.

  7. Exactly the point I was discussing with my partner... and wife a couple of weeks ago. The two greatest decisions, among others, I've ever had to make in my life were: what course (or career as it were) to read as a young teen and then choosing my life partner amongst a couple of ladies I know. Knowing fully well that each decision would determine what and how my every tomorrow will be. Most of us, especially in this part of the world found ourselves at the university studying what our parents, UME, schools, or peers pressurised/subjected us to study as against our will or potentials as it were. Most times, it's too late to change. Then, same 'decision making' goes with choosing a life partner so much that if you get stuck with the wrong person; your own don kpeme be that!
    Yet, one has to make certain decisions in life because indecision itself is also a decision. HE (God) said 'acknowledge me in all your ways and I will lead you through the paths".

  8. Nice.....educating the women folk abi? get deeper by the day (in writing that is)....a bit of something for all to learn. Looking forward to the rest of your posts on women. we want to know please.....tell us (boys) how to make you (ladies ) smile some more.

  9. The Rs are so spot on
    I'm so loving these series already